Today is Valentine’s Day. I’m sad but I’m not angry. I’m alone but do not feel lonely. Yes, I know this is the day to be with your sweetheart, your spouse or a new love. That’s all right but I’m not in any of those categories and I do not want to be in a relationship at this stage in my life.
I wanted to be married. I wanted 4 children. I wanted a long and extremely happy marriage. I wanted to grow old with my love and enjoy the fruits of a life with many experiences, treasures, pains and everything else that life it made up of.
But 5 years into my marriage and 42 years into my life the Navigator of all our lives led down an unwanted path. My marriage ended at 5 years, the number of my children ended at 1 and I watched my dreams wash downstream.
But at some point, I had to find a place of peace. That happened one night when the pain in my soul was so deep and my mind was so dark. On my way to pick up my daughter, Ruth, from the sitter, I passed a church with a light on. I walked up to the door and knocked, hoping the janitor would hear me. She did. With tears streaming down my cheeks and a quiver in my voice, I asked her if I could go to the altar and pray. She said yes.
That night after laying prostrate at the altar, I mourned a great loss then laid my dreams down and stood up and started down the unwanted path.
Twenty-two years later, I’m still sad sometimes, like today. But my Navigator chose the path that my human nature did not want. He’s walked with me and worked dozens of miracles in my life. Ruth has brought me an immense amount of joy and love through the years. I’m blessed every day. But then there are still days that I need to mourn the loss and weep for what could have been but wasn’t.